You've got this

I just decided to update my Facebook page to get involved with raising awareness of the struggle of mental health problems, so here I am again being honest as ever and trying to show how living with something like Nephrotic Syndrome is really strongly linked (especially for me) with mental health struggles. I'd like to start by putting it on the record that ITS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY and I can't stress that strongly enough, we are fighting an illness that effects our day to day life in ways that I didn't even know were possible before my diagnosis and just adjusting to these experiences and the side effects of the treatment is enough to mess with your head.

I've been more than open about my struggles in the past and today seemed like the day to dig a little deeper and be brave, because I'm pretty sure that a lot of us are all in the same boat. Right, honesty, the last few weeks ploughing through relapse number 10 has really not been the easiest. Of course my body has not been in a good place (that goes without saying, hello crazy protein levels and no Albumin) but my headspace has not been very clear at all. The weight gain of this relapse hit my self confidence like a tonne of bricks, I found it really hard to leave the house and face people because I didn't feel like me and people are far from understanding when it comes to turning up back at uni looking like you've ate all the pies over the summer.

Alongside this, whether it was to do with the stress of getting back into University life and the never-ending work load or it could of been the side effect of a super prolonged period on 40mg of steroids, my anxiety has been flaring up ever since. I can't pin point a trigger as such, but its made day to day living hard, my concentration is seriously lacking as is my commitment to work (not handy when you've got 2 novels to read a week and a diss to start.) I also don't know about anyone else but i'm liable to burst into tears at any random moment, especially over silly things like the dogs trust advert!

However bad this gets, I have people to talk too and share my issues with, its such an over used phrase but a problem shared really is a problem halved and by not bottling up your feeling you are doing yourself so many favours in clearing your own headspace to work through whats going on. Also, look after yourself, If your having a bad day then reward yourself for getting though the little things, you did your home work or made tea? you've 100% got this. I tend to notice my ability to cope really does change depending on my medications, but if it really does get too much talk to your doctor - they are here to help and know we go through a hell of a lot of stress and anxiety.

But as long as you keep fighting on and doing the best you can for yourself then thats all you can do. I know we tend to just put the physical issues of NS at the fore, but we need to look after our mental health too, how can your body fight this is your mind is struggling to cope. Love yourself and do the best you can, like I said you've got this, just keep looking after yourself.

But you can call me Moon face

Sorry I've been AWOL for a month or so, there never seems a lot of point writing until I can find something mildly entertaining and relatable to talk about, I guess this is less of a serious one but its something that still bothers me a lot even after 4 years of steroids- the dreaded moon face.

I read on one of the support pages recently some comments about how quickly once on a lowered dose your face can decrease back to a normal size, well i'm guessing that it varies from person to person (I'm not an expert!) but my face size has gone up and down with my dose of pred like a yo yo, with it getting to its biggest when I spent prolonged periods on really high doses. But honestly as a vain teen/ young person (21 is a weird age!) I've had serious hate for my appearance just because of steroids.

It took looking back over various old photo albums to bring back the emotions of how down I got at the time just because of something as little as a round scone face, but honestly it has had a big impact on my self esteem, I constantly think I have a round face again despite knowing I'm pretty much back to normal on 10mg of steroids and every time I have to up my dose I feel like I'm constantly looking for changes and the scone face return!

I know vanity is really the last thing you expect me to write about, I mean steroids are keeping me well so having a face that shines like the moon is a small price to pay. But, actually when your feeling low because of being ill, things like this do get to you especially as a teenagers with raging hormones as well as a body full of meds.

Thanks to the wonders of makeup I spend a lot of my time contouring the heck out of my face to make myself feel better and don't worry guys I read in one of those glossy rag magazines that the 'round face is back in fashion' spoken like people actually have a choice in the shape of their face?? But anyway maybe our time is coming!

On that note as much as I might feel slightly exposed I'm going to add some pictures to show how much steroids have varied my face, as my friend once said I'm not 'destined to be eternal moonchild'!

(the photos move from first diagnosis, to a prelonged period on high, when I hated how I looked which was hard to find pics of because i mostly covered my face with my hand! To more recent times when I've spent longer on lower doses!)

keep fighting and smiling x