It's not going to be one of my joke filled positivity blogs today, i've got something that I need to get off my chest and I'm sure it bothers others to, so I thought in the spirit of being open I would share whats been on my mind...My massive fear of the future and what is coming for me and my kidneys.
Don't get me wrong i've probably been pretty lucky (or as lucky as an NS sufferer can be!) in the fact that I'm near enough four years into my journey and I still at this moment in time have good kidney function. It was just sitting with my specialist on Tuesday talking about the future made me get a bit of a panic on about whats to come, like he said its not a matter of whats going to happen to me in the next year, but more the next 5. Look, I know thats a good thing and compared to some sufferers I have a relativity normal life and get to go to uni and all that, but it just scares me in 5 years i'll be 26- so what does that mean for me in respects to kids and all those other good things?
I'm now finishing my second year at uni so i guess its part and parcel to be having a crisis about the future and what I want to do when I finish uni, I just feel like its so much harder to even consider when I don't know what my health will be doing. When your relapsing it can be hard enough day to day, let alone trying to decide what I want to do with my life. My boyfriend won't mind me sharing that I've already made him promise to marry me before I have to have a kidney transplant, if it comes to that (he thinks I'm messing about but we will see!)
Think what I'm trying express, not in the most eloquent way is the impossible nature of this disease, that just really gets me down! Whether it's knowing you have loads of uni work while fighting through a Pred Wean or Planning a holiday and praying not to see a relapse, it always happens at the most inconvenient times. Promise i'll try and be more positive next blog, sending everyone yellow thoughts!
