I am shattered! That is the only way to describe how Rituximab has left me feeling, I've managed to keep my sleep pattern pretty normal, but its been a struggle. I mean its 3 in the afternoon, I'm sat curled up on the sofa in my pj's, drinking tea, and feeling exhausted after only popping out at lunchtime. My blog today is focused on my never ending plight to live a normal life, pretending that NS doesn't effect me and how this is probably doing me more harm than good (hence the pjs).
So my life has been a mad rush for the last two weeks, last Wednesday I had my second Ritximab infusion which obviously left me feeling a bit low, but I haven't really had time to recoup. On Sunday I moved back up to Lincoln with my boyfriend and have spent the last few days sorting our new house out and getting my confidence up driving around Lincoln. However, I've been pretty anxious about starting my teacher training next Monday. Don't get me wrong it is great to think that I'm taking the next steps towards where I want to be, but I just feel like the timings of everything are not fab. I know that starting the next part of my life was always going to be scary, I could just do without having to contend with a new treatment and no immune system when I'm about to go back into a full time course with placements where there is going to be a lot of stress and a lot of germs.
Due to my NS I had to have an occupational health check and I think it bought a lot of issues to the surface. The woman said I was fine to teach but really pressed on how the side effects of my meds might make my training harder especially during the winter or if I do have a relapse. Having someone sit in front of me and lay out all the potential issues that had been niggling me all summer really did make me worry that I'm about to get in over my head. I tell you what else is not helping, the amount of people telling me that PGCE year is the hardest year of your life or that 'you won't smile until Christmas' isn't filling me with much hope, I mean if its that hard when you're well how am I going to cope.
You know me, I want to give everything a go and not let my illness change my life, but this time I do wonder how long I can pretend NS isn't going to impact on me in some way. While I'm going to give it a bash and see what I can handle my health is always going to have to come first. The uni I'm training at has been so fab already with finding out my needs and how things might be different for me. So I'm hoping if the worst happens they would maybe let me go part time or be willing to help me to adapt.
While I never want to be negative or make it seem like NS should stop you in any way, it is important you put yourself first at all times. I really want to get through my training to help kids like the amazing children that fight NS through education when its a struggle. However, its okay to admit when I'm struggling because I'm still fighting too.
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