my body, my rules..

So I guess this is my blog entry to go along with the photos of my scars and stretch marks I posted on Facebook a couple of weeks ago as part of the loose women campaign #mybodymystory, I chose to take part in this because I feel our bodies and the effect this illness has on them, means we have a story to tell thats not often seen, as its an invisible illness in many ways sometimes my scars are the only thing that physically reveal that I'm fighting anything at all. Also me being me, felt that younger people who live with marks, scars and abnormalities deserve as much of a voice as the mothers and other older women that the shows campaign was giving most of its coverage to, of course all the people that shared were fabulous, just we are too!

In the last few years having other NS issues to worry about  has made my scars less of a major issue to me. Like I always say I'm pretty proud of them, I guess my feelings on celebrating the female form and what we are capable of has meant I've had to make my peace with my body, but I have to say I feel a lot better for it. Over the last few years I've had my battles with my body image whether its been the weight gain of steroids, the chubby moon face, the hair loss and bruising I've been pretty low, but once I decided that my body was mine and if I wanted to feel good it had to be for myself and not anyone else, By not appealing to unrealistic beauty standards that were really damaging to me at that point.

Might have a little chub and a load of scars
but trying to be proud of it all

I know now because of what I've been through my body is never gonna look like the models in cosmo, but hey I think thats pretty great, we are all fighting our own battles and we are all going to look different because of that!


I have to say a huge thank you to the wonderful reactions I got to sharing my photos, makes me realise its worth sharing things that I normally wouldn't if its going to raise awareness. All the love for my scars makes me more confident than ever and I hope other people realise they should be proud of they bodies.  I'm embracing mine, scars and all!

Sometimes I wish I had a Crystal Ball..

It's not going to be one of my joke filled positivity blogs today, i've got something that I need to get off my chest and I'm sure it bothers others to, so I thought in the spirit of being open I would share whats been on my mind...My massive fear of the future and what is coming  for me and my kidneys.

Don't get me wrong i've probably been pretty lucky (or as lucky as an NS sufferer can be!) in the fact that I'm near enough four years into my journey and I still at this moment in time have good kidney function. It was just sitting with my specialist on Tuesday talking about the future made me get a bit of a panic on about whats to come, like he said its not a matter of whats going to happen to me in the next year, but more the next 5. Look, I know thats a good thing and compared to some sufferers I have a relativity normal life and get to go to uni and all that, but it just scares me in 5 years i'll be 26- so what does that mean for me in respects to kids and all those other good things?

I'm now finishing my second year at uni so i guess its part and parcel to be having a crisis about the future and what I want to do when I finish uni, I just feel like its so much harder to even consider when I don't know what my health will be doing. When your relapsing it can be hard enough day to day, let alone trying to decide what I want to do with my life. My boyfriend won't mind me sharing that I've already made him promise to marry me before I have to have a kidney transplant, if it comes to that (he thinks I'm messing about but we will see!)

Think what I'm trying express, not in the most eloquent way is the impossible nature of this disease, that just really gets me down! Whether it's knowing you have loads of uni work while fighting through a Pred Wean or Planning a holiday and praying not to see a relapse, it always happens at the most inconvenient times. Promise i'll try and be more positive next blog, sending everyone yellow thoughts!