I try to be super positive on this blog, but today always feels like an important day to be honest and share your experiences if its going to help others. Today is word mental health day 2018 and while most of the time our condition is physical, it has a hell of an impact on your mental health as well.
The title of my blog refers directly to me actually, I am a NIGHTMARE for pretending everything is fine to the outside world, well actually I am struggling. This is the thing, I pride myself so much on being able to make people laugh that I would rather make a joke at my own expense rather than admit that things aren't fab. Don't get me wrong, I talk to my nearest and dearest about the problems I face, but I'll still try and get a laugh even if I am crying to them, I never want to be a burden.
But here is the thing guys: I am not having the best time at the moment. I'm going through a lot of changes in my life and alongside having to fight with my kidneys I'm feeling drained. I've lost my belief in myself because I'm tired ALL THE TIME and its driving my brain up the wall, not to mention that I cry 24/7. I know this is something that really effects a lot of us. We are so busy worrying about what's happening in our wee and our bodies that we forget to take care of our minds. So many of the drugs that we are put on effect anxiety levels and most of the time I feel like my brain hasn't got a clue what's going on in my body, leading to all those horrible feelings. Not to mention the fact that the symptoms like swelling, scars and moon-face make you feel poop about yourself as well and have really lowered my self worth. I don’t know about you guys?
So what I'm saying really is its okay to admit that you are not okay. Right now I know I'm not. So, I'm trying to make some changes to get myself in a better place because I know my anxiety isn't going to get any better if I carry on living the life that I am right now. The most important thing is to talk to each other and practice a load of self care: your job, your assessment, your presentation, is not worth risking your health over . YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.When we are already so frustrated at our kidneys for doing what they do, we do not need to neglect other parts of ourself. I've always spoke to my specialist about how all this has effected my mental health, I'm not saying that its helped much, but its good for them to know whats going on.
You are all worth so much self care and remember even the girl who is trying to make you laugh is struggling. Always be kind and never be scared to speak up, there is no point fighting to get into remission constantly if your mental health isn't letting you live.
You're spot on as ever Sophie. I think it's something all of us with chronic diseases do. We see our loved ones worrying about us and put on a false face to protect them and appear as a normal human being to them and the general public. Not the mixed up neurotic mess of cells we actually are.
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