Why I’m not ashamed...

Today a friend of mine who is also a sufferer of NS posted on a support site to raise awareness of the links between living with a long term chronic illness and suffering mental health issues. So between us we both decided to post on our respective social media pages about our own experiences. We honestly both believe that honesty is the best policy. On this blog I have never kept away from talking about mental health, because I always wanted to prove there shouldn’t be a stigma attached. 

From a young age I have seen the effects mental health, which is why I have always been the first to talk to my family about how I am feeling. I know for some people this isn’t the case; so by writing these blogs, Matt and I are hoping to show that if you suffer from both a chronic illness and mental health issues you are certainly not alone. 

Firstly, I’d like to say I am on antidepressants and I most certainly am not ashamed. After many many years of suffering with anxiety (certainly not helped by NS) I finally took the steps I needed to help myself. It has been 5 weeks and I have to say I honestly feel like the best version of myself again; not battling through everyday. I’m not cured by any sense, nor did I think I would be, but I’m singing in the shower again (its the little things right!) 

I know I was extremely lucky to be put on meds that worked for me straight off the bat; I know many people can have horrible experience. However, if you can keep going and find something that works for you then it is worth it. One thing that really gets my gander up is when people poo poo antidepressants because of the side effects. Sorry, we put ourselves on horrible medication to fix our kidneys and we keep going because it makes us better, why do we see antidepressants as the enemy? I’m not saying stick with something that is giving you awful side effects but, we need to stop viewing mental health as something different to physical health. I put my body through cyclosphosomide at 17 despite the fact it could have made me infertile; yet some people would suggest that taking something far less dangerous to sort out my anxiety is ‘too much’ and I should ‘just be positive’. 

Of course using counselling is amazing and works for many many people especially that are going through long term health issues and many other things. However, for me I knew it wasn’t right, I will always find something else to be anxious about no matter how many times I talk anything through, I come from a family of anxiety sufferers; I pretty sure its in my make up. Some of us just need some tablets to help us and make us our minds function properly. 

Whoever you are and whatever you are going through, talk to those around you and keep an eye on everyone you love. 

How is it Christmas already?

It has honestly been one hell of a year; things have been crazy to say the least. If you would have told me this time last year that I would have had Rutiximab this summer and only be taking 5mg of steroids I don't think I would have believed it. Two relapses this year is also something I'll count as a positive, obviously my relapse in June was a horrible one, but I've still come out the other end. I still can't help feeling super nervous in the run up to Christmas, filled with constant worry that something will ruin my festive period. This feeling isn't helped by the fact that I have an appointment with my specialist tomorrow and always worry about what he's going to say. I know my dips have been fine, its just a worry what's going on in my bloods! I just need to remember that as soon as my appointment is over I'm heading back to Lowestoft to spend a couple of weeks with my wonderful family.

2018 has seen plenty of change and no doubt 2019 will see even more. I honestly can't believe I've graduated from university this year, when there was times I didn't think i'd even be able to go. Tyler and I have also moved into our own place and moved 120 miles from home. I've started my teacher training course; which hasn't been easy with all the issues i've had going on, but i'm getting there slowly. This new venture has meant i've had the pleasure of meeting some of the most supportive and wonderful people.Things towards the end of this year haven't been the easiest, having to deal with suspected CFS hasn't been fab, i've struggled with not feeling like myself, having to adjust to what I am able to manage and not be able to run at 1000 miles an hour anymore.

All of this has really effected my mental health, so 2018 has been the year of trying to put myself first. As people who read regularly know I have always struggled with my anxiety. This year hasn't been any different and coming to terms with the CFS has left me feeling really down and lost. After years of struggling to get by I decided to finally get some help and went to the doctors last week. I've finally decided that I need to make my own feelings a priority and hopefully i'll be feeling like my carefree old self in 2019. BBC breakfast did a wonderful piece on the the links between kidney issues/ transplants and mental health. I know I haven't had a transplant but what they said really hit home and I think it's something we all need to talk about.

 But overall 2018 has been an exciting and crazy year. Wishing everyone a happy Christmas and a wonderful and healthy 2019. May all your dips be yellow over the festive period. I'd like to thank the renal team at Norfolk and Norwich for being wonderful and always putting my health first, fighting for me to get the treatment I need and always being supportive.

 Happy Christmas one and all! Only 6 sleeps to go!!! x